Pulmonology

The news at my last pulmonary appointment was not good.  My latest diagnosis (in addition to diagnoses of Interstitial lung disease, and pulmonary fibrosis) is severe pulmonary hypertension.  I was told that this is irreversible, incurable, only gets worse, results in death - not what I wanted to hear (and the last time you will see a list form me, I hope).  I've never agreed to having any of that.  Some may say I'm in denial.  I would say, I simply don't want to take ownership of any illness.

I can respect my doctors' opinions, their knowledge and education, and still not internalize their diagnosis or time limitations they may put on my life.  As I told one doctor... "The date and time of my death are not your call.  I'll live as long as God wants me to.  It's his call.

ANYWAY... Today was a day of adjustment for me, but I've become an excellent adjuster. 

New Direction (and I don't mean the boy band)

I started this as a "happy" journal for my family - a place to record happy memories - stories - clever grandchildren quotes - all that stuff - happy stuff.

And then Greg died and everything changed.  My life changed.  My "head space" changed.  My heart changed.  I tried to keep this journal (No, it's not a blog.  It's a journal.) going, but it seemed frivolous, inaccurate.  How could I do this and ignore the heartache from Greg's death - for all of us?  How could I do this and include the heartache from Greg's death - for all of us.  To do that would be contradictory to my original purpose.

So, I don't know what I'm doing here.  I hope I can still find a way to record some happy things.  I have another place to record my walk with grief.  I'll try to keep them separate - no promises.

In addition to happy thoughts, I think (this may change tomorrow) I hope to record my current life here - medical journey - house journey (or... start a kitchen reno in the middle of chemo?  I have obviously lost my mind) - or "whatever" journey.